NHK Man

If you have lived in Japan for a few years you have probably met an NHK bill collector. NHK is Japan's one and only public broadcasting company.  Apparently, most people, both foreign and Japanese, try to avoid the bill collector at all costs. We have been blessed by two such visits in our time here.

The first visit was only a few months after we arrived in Japan and early (9 AM) on a Saturday morning... 

 NHK man: “Ah. Gaikokujin. Wakanai” (“Ah. A foreigner. I don't know”) while 

shaking his head. 

For a very awkward 30 seconds we failed to communicate and he left. 

The second visit was not as pleasant. I opened 

the door and the bill collector quickly came inside and stood in the genkan.

While this representative also spoke no English, our Japanese had improved. 
Here is what happened...

NHK Man: TV?

Daniel:  Yes.

NHK Man: Ok. Something something something something NHK something. 
Something something something something 3000 yen something pay 
something something. 

Like I said, our Japanese had improved, but I was still not understanding.  
He told me to wait while he contacted someone who spoke English. I was 
slowly resigning to the fact that I might have to pay this man to go away. And
 then I got on the phone with the English representative...

NHK English Man:  Hello. So you have a TV so you need to pay the NHK fee. 

Daniel:  Why?

NHK English Man:  (laughing) Well...it is something that you use and is 
provided free for people. It is your duty to pay. 

Daniel:  But I don't use it. We don't understand Japanese television so we 
don't watch it.

NHK English Man:  (laughing) It doesn't matter. You have to pay. There is
 no choice. Everyone pays. Plus, we help people with medicine and other things.
Everyone pays so it can be free.

Daniel:  Yes. I understand the concept of public television. We have the same 
thing in America, but we don't force people to pay for it. So I don't understand 
why I have to pay for something I don't use. 

NHK English Man:  (still laughing) So you don't want to pay? Are you sure?

Daniel:  No I really don't.

NHK English Man:  (suddenly serious) Ok. Put the other man back on the phone. 

The NHK man even came into our apartment to verify that we did not use cable

and could not access their channel on our TV. I realize the NHK man was just doing his

job, but I'm not paying and I will see you in Kyoto in August...end of post!

What I Say, What They Hear

I decided to make a few illustrations to show what it's like to be an English teacher in Japan. As you can imagine, miscommunication is inevitable...

“You say” sounds like the Japanese word for oil paint.

Pears in Japan are more like apples in shape and light green in color.

“Show you” sounds like a popular sauce.

“Yu” is a very common Japanese name. 

English Testing

Every year, as English teachers, we must test our students on their speaking proficiency. It is the only time we can sit down one-on-one with every student and have a conversation. 

Some students found the test very difficult because English is a difficult language to learn...

Here are some of my favorite test conversations...

Daniel:  How are you?

Student:  I'm thank you and you?


Daniel:  Are you ready?
Student:  Yes. Let's English!

Daniel:  What time is it?

Student:  It's 10 fruity.

Daniel:  What day is it?

Student:  It's Fursday. 

Daniel:  Do you like dogs?

Student:  Yes we can.

This conversation with a 6th grader caused me to lose some sleep...

Daniel:  How are you?

Student:  I like fine. 

Daniel:  What's your name?

Student:  I like Keiko.

Daniel:  What food do you like?

Student:  I like sushi. 

Daniel:  Where is the library?

Student:  I like go straight. I like turn right.



My New Years resolution...


To teach students real good so they can English!

Scissor Salad

Today I was teaching school supplies...

They were actually doing quite well until we got to 'glue'. Instead of the actual word they would say 'blue'. Let's try it in a sentence...

My dad sold our horse to the blue factory. 

Some people sniff blue to get high. 


But the real trouble came when I tried to teach 'scissors'...


Daniel:  What's this?
Students:  はさみ！
Daniel:  In English, scissors.
Students:  Scissors!

Even though I was holding a picture flashcard I still saw many perplexed faces. Then one student was struck by genius....

Student:  Ah! I understand! Caesar salad!

I should explain that シザー (shizaa), the Katakana for 'scissors' is very close to シーザー (shiizaa) which means 'caesar', like the salad dressing dude.

Or maybe he was referring to these kitchen utensils...

Not sure. But if there are scissors in your salad someone is probably trying to kill you.

Inverview with a Foreigner

Today I had lunch with a 4th grade class. It was a very western meal of hamburger, broccoli and tomato soup with vegetables...

During lunch I had a very interesting conversation with a group of students. I will now attempt to recreate that conversation...

Daniel:  Hello

Student:  Hello

(awkward silence)

Student:  How old are you? (in English)

Daniel:  I'm 25 years old. (in Japanese)

The students discussed this for several minutes. How could I be 25 when I had previously told them I was 24? Eventually, they realized that foreigners must also have birthdays, but students still have many misconceptions about teachers...

1. Teachers don't age.

2. Teachers both live and work at school.

3. Teachers never leave the school.

4.  Teachers know the answer to everything.

Back to the conversation...

Student: Do you have a girlfriend?

Daniel: No I don't.

Student: Oh...ok. Do you have a boyfriend?

Daniel: No I don't

My kids are very accepting. So proud!

Student: How many times do you shave each day?

Daniel:  One.

Student: When?

Daniel: In the morning.

White Diamonds!

The month of October means teaching colors and shapes to 1st and 2nd graders. It is complicated because many students do not know the names for the shapes in Japanese. My favorite mistake...

Daniel:  What's this?

Student:  It's a red scare.
 

I realize this is not a 'red scare' poster but it's red, could be political and is not offensive. When you think of red scare you probably think of Joseph McCarthy.

He pioneered the idea that if someone doesn't agree with you they are probably a communist.

Back to the classroom...

Daniel:  What's this?

Student:  I like white diamonds.

Though not answering the actual question, this is easily one of the best answers in English class.

This got me thinking about color and shapes. They can describe your personality, identify your body shape...

or denote potential road hazards...

So to review, stay away from red shapes and anyone with different opinions than your own (because they are probably communists).

Mary Jane

Japan has a no-tolerance policy when it comes to marijuana and most other drugs. Small infractions can lead to jail time, or if your are a foreigner, deportation and a ban from the country like Paul McCartney in the 80's. Yet you can still find the symbol many places...

as air fresheners...

in fashion...

But after seeing this particular sticker covered in hemp it was time to find out the truth. Why is marijuana so popular in Japan?

So one day at school Staci brought along a picture and decided to ask her teachers why this symbol is so popular. 

Staci:  So...do you know what this is?

Teacher:  Ah yes...it is a Hawaiian flower. It if very cute, right?

Staci:  This is not a flower.

Teacher:  Oh. What is it?

Staci:  It is marijuana. 

Teacher:  Huh?

Staci:  You know...(pretending to smoke a joint)

Teacher:  (gasp) Really?! I did not know. My daughter has clothes covered in them.

I do not know why they need a “Hawaiian flower” when they could just use the Japanese maple leaf that is just as beautiful...

Family Matters

My 3rd grade class was a little strange today. First, it was an especially windy day so I had to use extra magnets on my flashcards...

The magnets were fine until I ran out of acceptable eye colors...

And then I ran out of those magnets completely...

For family we teach the phrases “Who is this?” and “This is my - .”

During the game...

Daniel:  Who is this?

Student:  This is my black sister.

After stifling my laughter I quickly moved to another group. As you can see from the card it is supposed to be “older sister”. But it did give me an idea to incorporate family words into other phrases.

I came up with a few more examples but they were all offensive. So please enjoy these...

Student:  Who is this?

Daniel:  This is my square brother. He likes Math.

Student:  Who is this?
Daniel:  This is my white father. He can't dance.

Honto?

I am a fairly confident person. Somewhere in between giving a speech to strangers and shakin' it on the dancefloor. But every once in a while a situation arises in which I find myself unsure...

For example...

(Japanese conversation in the McDonald's drive thru)

Employee:  Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order.

Daniel:  Yes. I would like a Big Mac Set. 

Employee:  Cheeseburger set?

Daniel:  No. Big Mac Set please. 

Employee:  Cheeseburger set?

At this point I start to wonder if I actually do want a cheeseburger set. Maybe this random McDonald's employee knows me better than I know myself. 

Usually, it is the questioning of my most basic answers that will send me backpeddaling and wondering if I really know what I know. A perfect example of this happened today...

Teacher:  Daniel sensei. Do you know ---- sensei?

Daniel:  Yes. She is teaching 5th grade again.

 Teacher:  Ah. I see. Is she well?

Daniel:  Yes.

Teacher:  Ah...really?

Daniel:  Yes...At least I think so...She seems fine to me...You know I'm not really sure...I don't know ok!..(and then I ran from the room crying).

Ok. All of that did not actually happen, but I think I've made my point. So until next time I will be learning everything about everything and everyone so it never happens again.

Samurais Have to Eat Too

New Co-Worker: Do you cook at home for your husband?

Staci: Sometimes but sometimes he cooks for me. Most of the time we cook together.

New Co-Worker: O, yes.  I cook for my wife.

Staci: Wow. That's really great.

New Co-Worker: She works very late and doesn't have time some days so I try to help.

Staci: That's very nice of you.

New Co-Worker: Yes.. but I don't want to. It hurts my Samurai Spirit.

Tornadoes are my New Facebook Friends

New co-worker: Good morning Staci. 

Staci: Good morning. 

New co-worker: Yes! 1 point for English conversation practice!!

Later that day...

New co-worker: Staci, where are you from in America? 

Staci: Oklahoma. 

New co-worker: Oh.. That is near Kansas. 

Staci: Yes, it is. 

New co-worker: Kansas has many tornadoes... Have you ever met a tornado? 

Staci: Um.. Yes. I have met several personally. 

Ophthamologist

This last Saturday I paid a visit to the eye doctor. 

Upon entering the office I forgot to remove my shoes. Eventually, I realized this and swapped them for some slippers at least 4 sizes too small.

As usual, I was the only foreigner sitting in the waiting room with the Japanese cast of The Golden Girls. The check-up was fairly straightforward except I could not remember the Japanese words for up and down.

Many ophthamologists here do not have the fancy electronic eye charts, but instead have a pair of glasses on which they attach different lenses. They look like this...

They had me sit in the lobby with these on for 10 minutes for some reason. My vision was actually fine, but the eye doctor did give me this very informative chart...

That time I went to Tokyo with my Co-Workers

So funny things happen when you go to Tokyo with a group of Japanese Teachers.

We saw Sky Tree, it is huge.

There is a posed picture, but I liked this candid one better. 

Then they asked me if I liked tempura several times.

This is tempura... It is just fried...anything.

I'm American, of course I like fried anything.

Next we toured the busiest part of Tokyo and ate dessert.

I got a cream snow cone thingy, they got sweet bean paste.

We went to a show. A Japanese comedian review. It was interesting. 

The acts consisted of two men and a microphone.

One man was usually fat and the other was skinny. 

Or one was dressed in ridiculous clothing and the other wore a suit. 

I don't really know what they said. 

One of my co-workers, after the show, said she didn't understand most of what was said because they talk too fast. 

We went to dinner, ate fish brains, and drank yummy drinks. 

The end.

My Teachers Are Devious

Today at school:

Best teacher ever: Staci! Today Old Man will come to school.

We will have meeting with him. We don't like him.

I am not making up a name for him, that is what she called him.  

Don't you think I am more creative than that? 

Yea, I didn't think so..

Staci: Ok...

Best teacher ever: SO we will plan our English meeting for 10 minutes after he shows up. You will come in to the meeting room and say "HEY! GUYS!! CAN WE HAVE A MEETING NOW?" As loud as you can. Can you do it?

Staci: Yepp.

After I interrupt the meeting and Old Man leaves... 

Teacher one: Thank you!

Teacher two: You're an angel.

Best teacher ever: You're a goddess.

Staci: You're welcome, any time.

So basically the plan was for the foreigner to scare Old Man away, it worked, almost too well.

Well played teachers...

八六七-五三ぜろ九/Jenny

I'm sure all of us know someone who is awkward during telephone calls. Maybe it's a misspoken word, an inappropriate comment or an awkward 15-second silence that leave you wondering why you didn't just send a text message. 

Thankfully, phone conversations are covered in our curriculum. But of course the first lesson was difficult. 

Daniel:  Hello. This is Daniel.

Student:  Hello. This is Takumi desu.

(desu is a verb that would normally take the place of 'this is')

Student:  Can you play?

Daniel:  Yes I can. What time?

Student:  Uh...5 people. 

Daniel:  Hello. This is Daniel

Student:  Hello. This is Monkey.

(fairly sure this was a joke unless his name is もんき)

Student:  Can you play?

Daniel:  No I can't. I'm sorry.

All students:  I'm sorry. He's sorry. We're sorry.

This last one is thanks to a Japanese comedian that I have not been able to identify.

Google Translator Saved My Life

This week, while holding a chair, my 1st graders pretended to attack me. So naturally I pretended to whip them. We were learning about animals.

 

 Today I was playing at recess. When I say playing I mean being chased by 1st and 2nd graders around the playground. Once caught I became a human jungle gym until I could break free again.

And then...a miracle happened. One of the teachers, undoubtedly feeling sorry for me while watching from inside, used Google translator and sent this message with a 5th grader.

'I play tag'

A game of tag was formed and I was no longer the only one being chased. Thank you mystery teacher! I am glad that someone has had more luck with translators than I have.